Greeting Message for Your Answering Machine

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is working, so you can talk to it instead of waiting for the beep.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

Source: Your answering machines!

5 Questions Women Don't Ask Their Doctors

By Rich Maloof

Women everywhere dread going to the OBGYN. It’s not just the cold metal stirrups. sometimes invasive medical procedures can make us anxious to get out of the office ASAP. Meanwhile, some of the questions we were dying to ask the doctor are forgotten. If you’ve ever worried about your low sex drive or wondered what you can do for mild PMS, now's the time to get your questions answered.

Q. I don’t enjoy sex very much because I often experience discomfort. Is there anything a doctor can do for this?

A. Physical and emotional factors alike can contribute to painful intercourse, or dyspareunia. Certainly there are gynecological conditions that manifest as sexual discomfort, and most of them can be resolved with a physician’s guidance. It’s important to be evaluated.

Common conditions represented by superficial pain include yeast infections, dryness and vulvodynia (pain in the vulva). Vaginismus, a spasmodic tightening of the vaginal muscles, can have roots in a medical malady or be a psychological reaction to sex.

If your pain is physically deeper, it could signal anything from ovarian cysts to endometriosis to a pelvic inflammatory disease. But don’t get spooked by the possibilities. Talk to a physician about your symptoms.

Q. I’m having trouble conceiving. What can my husband and I do before resorting to expensive treatments?

A. “Healthy bodies allow you to have a baby, and healthy bodies produce healthy babies,” says Jill Blakeway, a licensed acupuncturist and fertility specialist based in New York City. “It’s really not rocket science.”

Moms-to-be should exercise in moderation to reduce stress and achieve a comfortable body weight. Eat a lot of organic fruits and vegetables and other healthy foods. “We can be pretty sure that the collective burden of all the toxins and chemicals we take in on a regular basis stresses our reproductive cycle,” Blakeway explains.

Holistic solutions can be an excellent, affordable option. And remember, getting pregnant is a team effort. Women and men alike can give fertility a strong head start by minding the following:

• Avoid alcohol
• Avoid coffee
• Eat healthy, unprocessed foods
• Reduce stress
• Don’t smoke
• Don’t use marijuana or other drugs
• Take multivitamins
• Have sex!

Many factors will come into play—age, body weight, medical history—but there are several avenues of treatment to pursue. Not all are expensive, and you might even get some assistance from your insurance carrier.

Q. Is there anything I can do about my terrible PMS? I only have it a few days each month, but those days are wretched.

A. There are over 150 symptoms associated with premenstrual syndrome, from acne to swollen feet to wishing your spouse would get hit by a bus. But if you’re having extreme symptoms such as incapacitating pain, significant depression or cramps outside your normal cycle, consult a doctor to rule out more serious conditions.

Although there’s no cure-all, the right diet and exercise can bring physical and emotional relief.

Dial back the caffeine, which can bring on mood swings as well as breast soreness, and avoid alcohol. Reduce your intake of salt, sugar, fatty foods and red meat. Instead, seek sources of calcium, magnesium and vitamins B6 and E (see www.nutrition.org/nutinfo/ for foods containing these nutrients). The evidence on herbal remedies like primrose oil and chaste tree berry is anecdotal; some women swear by them, some swear at them.
Moderate aerobics (running, walking, swimming) and relaxation techniques (yoga, massage) tend to reduce fatigue, anxiety and depression.

While over-the-counter ibuprofen and diuretics can be helpful, there is better medical evidence that low doses of SSRIs—the same drugs used to counter depression—will relieve PMS symptoms effectively and rapidly.

Q. My doctor doesn’t want to prescribe hormone replacement therapy, but my hot flashes and insomnia are destroying my daily life. What can I do to get some relief?

A. The first line of defense against menopausal symptoms is keeping a healthy diet, exercising and avoiding hot-flash triggers such as alcohol and caffeine. But for many women it’s not enough to sit near a fan eating soy.

“For women who do not get relief from lifestyle measures, a retreat from all therapy does not make sense,” says Dr. Nanette Santoro of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in the Bronx, N.Y. “Quality-of-life studies indicate that women who do get relief are better off with the therapy. And for about 85 percent of women, this is going to be short-term treatment.”

Hormone replacement therapy (or HRT) treats menopausal symptoms by replenishing estrogen and/or progesterone, which the body stops producing in menopause. Studies show a small degree of risk relating to breast cancer, cardiovascular disease, stroke and blood clots. Establish whether your doctor is drawing a hard line against the therapy or if your personal medical history puts you at higher risk.

Low doses of SSRIs, the serotonin uptake inhibitors used to treat depression, are a fast-acting, non-hormonal alternative. Dr. Santoro notes, “The way these drugs work in low doses is distinct from how they treat depression. As anyone who’s ever had a hot flash can tell you, it’s not psychiatric.”

Q. This is really embarrassing, but I suffer from constipation and gas a lot. Is that a sign of something serious or should I just try to live with it?

A. The body is designed to work correctly; any malfunction signals a problem worth investigating.

In the greatest number of cases, patients find complete relief with a modification of eating habits. Nonetheless, constipation and gas can signify digestive conditions such as ulcers, lactose intolerance and acid reflux. The concurrent presence of the two could imply an obstruction in the lower GI tract, which is sometimes caused by diseases of the colon. Or you could be pregnant. Oops.

Over-the-counter and home remedies can bring relief—active charcoal tablets, or antacids for gas; plenty of fiber and water for constipation—but prolonged self-medication can mask real problems or even create new ones. A gastroenterologist can help you treat the cause rather than the symptoms. And if you’re over 50, the doctor will want to rule out colon cancer.

Make an appointment with a gastrointestinal specialist. Bring with you a log of your diet and the symptoms that arose in the previous two weeks. The impact of digestive complications on lifestyle can be substantial. There’s no reason to “just live with it.”

Stages of a Man's Life

Messages for men at each stage of life
By Harvard Health Publications

In As You Like It, Shakespeare writes of the seven ages of man. Perhaps because the famous lines are spoken by the melancholy Jacques, they’re not optimistic. Starting with "mewling and puking" in infancy, Shakespeare takes us through the aging process, from "whining" youth to the "round belly" of middle age, only to end with the "second childishness" of old age.
Nobody has ever matched the Bard’s verse, and few can rival his understanding of human nature. Still, much has changed in 400 years, and technology has taken us to remarkable new places. In advanced societies, at least, life is longer, healthier, and better than ever before. But there is still an ebb and flow to life, with each stage having its unique strengths and vulnerabilities.

We were recently asked to offer a simple message to men at each stage of life. It’s a daunting task — not because of Shakespeare’s long shadow, but because there is so much to learn at every age and because the lessons learned at any age apply to them all. Even so, at the risk of oversimplification (and with apologies to Will), here is a message for each stage of life.

The first 10 years: Real men have feelings

At the dawn of humanity, boys were raised to be hunters; by Shakespeare’s time, they were also brought up to be warriors. The world has changed, but the masculine model is still the strong silent superhero. Nothing’s wrong with that, but boys should also learn to acknowledge their feelings, to respect the feelings of others, and to communicate emotions as well as facts.
In 1807 William Wordsworth observed, "The child is father of the man." Boys who learn that men are from Earth, not Mars, will become healthier and happier men. Boys will be boys, as they should — but they should also establish the psychological balance and learn the social skills they need in adulthood.

Boys don’t read health information, but their fathers and grandfathers do, and they should serve as role models, teaching boys that feelings count, too.

The teens and 20s: Real men wear seat belts

Seat belts are only the tip of the iceberg, a symbol for the common sense and prudence that often elude adolescent males.

Is it nature or nurture, testosterone and the Y chromosome, or role models and cultural norms? Nobody knows, but the answer is not likely to be either/or but both. It’s clear that men take risks, and risky or aggressive male behavior damages the health of both men and women. Men have a much higher risk of death from injury, homicide, suicide, and AIDS; women have a much higher risk of injury from domestic violence.

Accidents are the third leading cause of death in American men and the leading cause in men younger than 44. Simple cautions like seat belts and bike helmets can help. More complex measures involving alcohol, tobacco, drugs, firearms, and sex are also vital.

On average, American women live 5.2 years longer than men. Young men should learn the health habits that can help close the gap.

The 30s: No man is an island

The 17th-century poet and pastor John Donne said it first, but in 21st-century America, many men seem to be very insular indeed. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the challenge of building a career. Work is important, but young men shouldn’t let it displace family and friends. Instead, they should establish priorities and begin to build the social networks that can sustain them throughout life. For most men, that means putting family first. And young adulthood is also a good time to start making time for the hobbies and leisure activities that reduce stress and bring balance and fun to life.

There is a world outside the office, a big and interesting world. Men who learn that in their 30s will have the people and interests they need to be happy and healthy in retirement.

The 40s: Obesity happens

It actually starts to happen early in life, but by middle age the average guy has indeed acquired the round belly that Shakespeare predicted.

Two of every three American men are overweight or obese. Aesthetics aside, it’s a major health hazard: Excess body fat increases the risk of heart disease, hypertension, stroke, diabetes, arthritis, and cancer.

If there were a quick fix, we’d all be thin. Diet schemes abound, but none can deliver what they promise (and charge for). But there is a slow fix: diet and exercise.
Real men eat vegetables, fruit, whole grains, and fish. They can have some meat and potatoes too, but the less the better. Calories count; for men who need to reduce, the "C" word is calories, not carbs.

Exercise counts, too. You don’t have to run a marathon to control your weight and improve your health, but you do have to walk for at least 30 minutes a day. Other forms of moderate exercise will do just as well, as long as you do it. A lack of exercise and obesity are responsible for about 360,000 preventable deaths in the United States each year. That’s nearly as many as smoking, but the burden of sedentary living and obesity get much less attention.
A good diet and exercise program shouldn’t wait until that big 40th birthday, and they shouldn’t stop in the 40s, either. But for many, the middle-aged bulge is a wake-up call. Heed it before it gets alarming.

The 50s: Real men have doctors

It’s another message that men should hear early on, but by 50 it becomes urgent. At 50, you’ll need to talk to a doctor about how you should be screened for colon cancer and the more controversial question of prostate cancer screening. If you haven’t had your blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar checked at regular intervals, you should surely do so now. The same is true for your eyes.

Screening tests and good health habits are essential, but men must also listen to their bodies and report sounds of discord to their doctors. Most don’t; a major survey by the Commonwealth Fund reported that 25% of men said they would handle worries about health by waiting as long as possible before seeking help; just 18% said they would seek care as soon as possible.
John Wayne was a great actor, but he shouldn’t be a "grin and bear it" health model for American men. Doctors can help — if you let them.

The 60s: Expand your horizons

The kids are grown, the pension fund is growing, and the neighborhood ball game is a distant memory. Time to slow down and take it easy? Not if you want to stay healthy.
For men who have climbed to the top in business, academia, or government, the seventh decade is often a time of professional transition. Like most changes, it can be difficult — especially at first. But passing the baton doesn’t mean dropping it. Men who have reached the top and like it there should stay involved, aiming for a graceful transition as they give up power but retain (or expand) their influence.

Men who retire outright also face a big transition. Success depends on staying active, involved, and interested. True, you can’t do what you did half a lifetime ago, but you can do a lot. In fact, you can use the time and flexibility you’ve earned to expand your horizons. Travel will do that literally, but new sports, courses, and hobbies can do it close to home. Instead of folding your tent, pitch it in a new place.

The 70s: Use it or lose it

Hippocrates said it best: "That which is used develops; that which is not used wastes away." He wrote two millennia before Shakespeare, but it is as true today as it was then — and it’s true of the mind as well as the body.

Modern medicine has made many advances, but in this case, the research of the late 20th and early 21st centuries confirms the wisdom of the ages. Not to be outdone by a Greek doctor, the Roman orator Cicero proclaimed: "Old men retain their mental facilities, providing their interest and application continue." He was right. Four 21st-century studies that evaluated 3,884 elderly Americans agreed that senior citizens who engage in effortful mental activities are up to 38% less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia than those who don’t exercise their minds.

How can you build up your brain? Any mentally stimulating activity should help. Read, attend lectures, do puzzles, play checkers or chess, use a computer. Try things that also demand manual dexterity, such as drawing, ceramics, and crafts. Do anything you find interesting, stimulating, and — above all — new.

When Oliver Wendell Holmes was asked why he was reading Plato at the age of 92, he replied simply, "To improve my mind." The great jurist was on target. And if philosophy doesn’t grab you, you could do worse than reading this newsletter.

Physical exercise will help protect your body the way mental exercise protects your mind. You’ll walk slower at 70 than at 40, but you’ll continue to earn protection against heart disease, stroke, diabetes, obesity, osteoporosis, and colon cancer. When your doctors measure your blood pressure, blood sugar, and cholesterol, they’ll see numbers usually found in younger men. Physical exercise will also protect your mind. Six studies of some 36,000 people older than 65 found that regular exercise was linked to a 34%–50% reduction in the risk of developing memory loss.

If coasting was tempting for 60-year-olds, it’s the norm at 70. At any age, it’s a mistake. To stay young, keep your body moving and your mind busy and challenged. It won’t stop the clock, but it will slow its tick.

The 80s: Count your blessings

Time marches on, and in time even the healthiest of us will experience diminished physical and mental abilities. With good health habits, good medical care, good genes, and good luck, the decline will be gradual — but it will occur.

While it’s important to keep working to stay healthy and active, it’s also important to understand, accept, and adjust to new limitations. But that doesn’t mean dwelling on what’s been lost. Instead, focus on all the good things in your past and keep looking for good things in your present — and future.

The theologian Reinhold Niebuhr said it best. Throughout life, but particularly in maturity, men should strive to attain the ability "to accept with serenity things that cannot be changed, [the] courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

The 90s: Share your wisdom

Many societies bestow a special status on their oldest citizens. Elders are the wise men, the repositories of the experience and history that give life meaning and perspective. America, alas, has lost much of this reverence for age. But if you are lucky enough to grow older and wiser than most, consider ways to share your insights with younger generations. An oral history dictated to a grandchild or great-grandchild is one example of the way you can create a legacy that will keep the chain of life strong.

If you’ve made it to your 90s in good shape, your wisdom and experience are likely to include the eight messages we’ve offered younger men. Although it’s impossible to single out any one message to summarize them all, the American aphorist Mason Cooley did a pretty fair job in 1922: "The wisdom of age: Don’t stop walking."