6 ways to make your relationship last

How to build an enduring, loving relationship
By Carole-Anne Vatcher

What will it take to make your couple relationship last for a lifetime? Here are the crucial ingredients for long-term couple happiness:

1. Trust
Trust creates feelings of safety and security for you and your partner. Safety enables you to be closer to each other and to know that you can count on each other.

Remember that trust is a two-way street: First, you both need to engage in trust-earning behaviours. Be trustworthy and insist that your spouse be so as well. Then you both need to take the risk to trust each other. This can feel scary, but the rewards you reap can be great.

2. Respect
Research shows that continually treating your partner with contempt, dismissiveness or disdain greatly increases your chance of divorce. So remember to treat each other with respect. Sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, and personal attacks all corrode couple closeness over time. Get these damaging behaviours out of your repertoire. Practise listening and speaking respectfully to your spouse, even when you are upset or angry — especially when you are upset or angry. If you have a hard time doing this, see a good couple therapist to help you. It's that important.

3. Friendship
Friendship is the foundation of a good couple relationship. Be a good friend to your spouse and nurture the friendship by prioritizing each other. Take regular vacations and go out and do fun things together.

Treat each other as special. Share your deepest thoughts and feelings with each other. Talk about your day-to-day successes and frustrations and take an interest in those of your spouse's. Share your dreams for the future and your deepest wishes for a life well lived.

4. Team play
Too many couples turn on each other as they face life's challenges. Treat your partner as your teammate, not as the enemy. Instead, map out your life goals together — financial, personal and professional. Then, as you work towards those goals, let each other know that you're in each other's corner and you've "got each other's backs." If you can make this transition to play on the same team together, you'll be very strong in your ability to handle the tough times.

5. Productive conflict and repair
At times you are going to disagree or be angry with each other. Don't suppress your anger and don't blow up with it either. Speak your deepest truths about what you need or want differently from your partner. Insist that your spouse listen. Know how and when to apologize.

6. Patience and flexibility
Your partner is a different person than you and won't always do things the way you do them. Honour your differences and celebrate your partner's unique qualities. What can you learn from your spouse's strengths? Remember what it was that made you fall in love with in your partner in the first place.

Underlying all of these items on this list is commitment: This is the dedication and determination it takes to make your relationship as good as it can possibly be — for yourself and for your spouse, over your life span. Happy relationships are worth the time and energy you put into it.